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hands crossed above head

by Calvin Thrall

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1.
you said to me: “that’s just the way i am” "my flaws were pre-programmed for me” “self-improvement is a scary thing so i won’t try it” “how dare you accuse me of apathy?” stare decisis, you just choose to let it stand acting on precedent ’til things get out of hand, and then you wonder… your face gets redder and you cross your arms your chest is puffed out like a shield if you’re not moving forward, you’re just stalling or worse, you’re sleeping at the wheel stare decisis, you just choose to let it stand acting on precedent, now things are out of hand, sometimes i wonder…
2.
when you told me what had happened i felt guilty for how bad i felt, but i kept my composure i typed out that awful message: “oh my god what can i do to help?” but then i thought it over, and you know it’s not my place, it’s not my place, i can’t say shit to fill the space, and you know me, i only shut up when i have to it’s not my place, it’s not my place, but it still keeps me awake just knowing that, some things collapse, before they’re meant to you’ve built up your stoicism, so tall that nobody dares to climb and i hope it’s enough for you but if the stiffness of your upper lip falls into jeopardy i hope you know that there’s a lot of love for you out there all i ever heard was just an echo of a life i never knew, but that part doesn’t matter and as we sat there in that holy room his echo grew to be so loud, it could have made the windows shatter but you know it’s not my place, it’s not my place i can’t say shit, but i will stay and you know me, i can be stubborn if i need to it’s not my place, it’s not my place i never even met his gaze and we all only get one set of eyes to see through
3.
the plan was just to go get coffee i grabbed my shit, started the car i picked her up, we started talking she seemed intelligent and really nice so far but i know that her strike won’t shatter the barrier i built so many years ago and so i’ve got nothing to do here but listen to her talk, and drink my coffee slow cause i will never love her i will never love her, no i don’t have too much air left love’s a depth i cannot go i use a quarter of my pillow i like to sleep on the right half of my bed i’d like for her to take the other but that won’t happen, so i’ll drive her home instead and muscles you don’t use get weaker that might explain all of my failures to connect but you can’t say that i’m not trying i’m only trying cuz i know how good it gets but i will never love her i will never love her no we’ll never be together you and i will never grow
4.
It's gotten late and now I want to be alone All of our friends were here, they all have gone home And here I sit on the front porch watching the drunks stumble forth into the night "You gave me a heart attack, I did not see you there. I thought you had disappeared so early away from here." And this is the chance I never got to make a move. But we just talk about the people we've met in the last 5 years. And will remember them in ten more? I let you bum a smoke, you quit this winter past. I've tried twice before but like this, it just will not last.
5.
the bed’s on the floor my best friends are here, i don’t think i could want more and all i can say is “jesus christ, what a year” we lost and we gained but the bonds that we made took the edge off the pain we made it through this one, so here’s to the next.

about

written and recorded in various places throughout my freshman year, using iphone voice memo technology.

credits

released May 25, 2014

thanks to julia jaspers for the album art, and to will scheirer and connor o'neill for starring in it.

thanks to ben gibbard for writing steadier footing, although i'm sad i didn't write it first.

thanks to andrew griffin for being a big cutie and just generally being my muse.

thanks to auguste rodin for providing an album title, rest in peace.

thanks to everyone i've met in the past year, you're all part of this and this is about you. thanks philly. peace.

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Calvin Thrall Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

writing songs when feasible

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